I have reached the end of my rope. I mean it. Do you have any idea what horrors I have been through this weekend? I mean, really?
I have blisters on my hands (get your minds out of the gutter) and none on my remote finger. Sex in the City is getting dangerously close to being unavoidable. I have entered into the sporting wasteland. The dog days. My raison d’être is nullified. I have been reduced to finding excuses to watch college softball and with no Cat Osterman or Jennie Lynch insight, it is interminable. Add to this the fact that the wife is not stupid and I am in big trouble.
It started innocently enough. I broke the cardinal rule of being male in a marriage; or war. Never volunteer. The wife is redoing our floors, tearing up the old wood floors in favor of travertine and we have an understanding that has worked for 20 years; if she wants to refurbish, build porticos, install satillo tile patios, paint, scrub, replace or any thing of the sort, I bitch and moan about the cost, give in, lay down on the coach and stay out of her way. She’s happy. I’m happy. Volunteer to do NOTHING.
Saturday she is finishing laying down the first of the travertine in the laundry room and asks me how to get up the threshold from the door that leads from the laundry room to the mud room where the dogs bed down. Instead of giving my standard “I’ll look at it in a minute” then promptly forgetting, and given the fact that I am tired of Sponge Bob “the gayest” of all the aquatic sponges, I, shudder, volunteered. I jumped up off of the couch and said “Oh, yeah, I can probably take care of this for you”. Problem one, I have to revive the wife: 20 minutes. Problem 2: the threshold was screwed into the cement over 30 years ago which of course means the head will strip at the first pass of the screw driver or will break off completely. All four did exactly that. Well, that means I get to breakout a tool that I have that has little to no value except to model plane enthusiast and boy scouts building pinewood derby cars; the Dremel rotary tool kit. I was thinking it would be a quick and easy job for the Dremel cut wheel to slice off those nasty screws level with the concrete and begin afresh. Thirty minutes and four broken cut wheels later, I get out a pair of needle nose pliers and easily rotate the broken screws out of the concrete within 30 seconds. I avoid throwing the Dremel in the garbage convincing myself that “Someday, by all that is great and small, I will find a use for it” and proceed to pry the threshold from the door frame. No good. The whole damn door falls apart. Brushing myself off and picking myself up, I make mistake numero dos, I volunteer again. “Hey, honey I am going to head up to Home Depot (I’ll take that $20.00 endorsement in coupons Josh) to get a new door, do you want to go?” “Sure just let me grab my purse” After waiting an hour I am finally standing in front of the new door. Oh, but wait, the wife has an opinion on the type of door, surprise, surprise. “Do you really want the one that is $88.00?” “Yes” I tell her, “it is a fine, well built door”. “But this $168.00 door is so much better” I am informed. So, with my new “168.00 door and wife in tow I head for the checkout, when I get the “oh, wait, can we look at light fixtures?” question which is not really a request. Another hour and we now have a light fixture for the breakfast area ($123.00) and other assorted odds and ends ($39.00).
I am now ready to hang the door but since the wife is laying the travertine in there for now, she “requests” (there’s that word again), that I hang the light. She’s figured it out. I am trapped. She knows that I have nothing better to do and since I volunteered, it is open season. Now, I can usually figure out how to install various electrical fixtures just by looking at the picture on the box, but not this one. Not even the directions, which I never read, are any help. I am not kidding when I tell you it took me over 2 hours and three tries to get the light hung correctly. Well, by this time she is ready for me to hang the door. I pull out the directions and breakout the french to english babelfish translator, since that is the only directions that came with the thing. Pictures help, but only so much. I have never had much luck when it comes to framing and hanging doors. It never goes as it should and I always end up shimming this and cutting that until I basically rebuild the entire frame. So I am amazed when it goes together with relative ease. I do end up shimming out one side of the door frame but even so it only took 5 hours and it is well into 10 pm before I am finished. One threshold: $378.22 and 11 hours. Priceless. By the way, do you have any idea how much damage a keyless chuck drill can do to your hands after spending 5 hours changing out between drill bits and screw drives? I have blisters that I have given names to, I love them as my children.
Let this be a lesson to the couch potatoes out there, If you find yourself in the midst of the football drought, do anything, take up golf, learn a new language, take guitar lessons, do anything but one. Do not volunteer.
